Meeting AA

I want to be a writer. I read somewhere once, maybe, that I need to stop saying that. I need to just proclaim "I am a writer." I can't quite do that. I've always loved writing, and it's the only thing I can imagine doing for the rest of my life, but I've always been afraid to label myself as a person who writes. I have the endorsements of my mom and high school English teacher, sure, but I spend my time convincing myself that I'm nothing special and wannabe writers are a dime a dozen. Sometimes I'm too embarrassed to admit that I'm interested in writing, that embracing it would put me in the same category as American Idol contestants who are convinced that they're bound for greatness because they sing in the shower. It's a powerful fear, maybe my greatest fear, to attempt what I love and realize I'm mediocre at it. I can't live with that fear anymore. It's time for me to try.

Starting a pretentiously named blog on blogspot.com doesn't make me a writer. I need to write, though, and I need to put that writing somewhere for people to see. This blog is a place for me to post short essays or whatever I manage to rip from my brain. I'll try to veer away from the angsty personal self examinations (looking at you, first paragraph!) as much as possible, and hopefully I come up with interesting and unique things to say. Tomorrow I think I'll write about a video game. After that, who knows? Not me; I lost my list of potential topics almost immediately after I wrote it. I'd settle in for quite a few posts about video games if I were you, Mom and high school English teacher.

Anomie: a word I first heard mispronounced (and misdefined, it turns out) by my community college sociology teacher last week. Webster's calls it "social instability resulting from a breakdown of standards and values; also : personal unrest, alienation, and uncertainty that comes from a lack of purpose or ideals." I don't know how I managed to live 25 years without learning this word. What is life, if not the search for purpose and ideals to live by? I've been immersed in many sets of standards and values, and still don't know which to call my own. Maybe through writing I can begin to tackle my anomie and learn what it is I'm to stand for. Maybe anomie will always be a part of me, as it most certainly is for the world as a whole. Maybe the search for purpose, ideals, standards, and values IS a purpose, ideal, standard, and value to live by. Maybe it's time to play a video game.

Apathy: I've lived the life of an apathetic person so far. I've prided myself on not caring about things I was meant to, and I thought that made me special. I realize now that there is nothing special about apathy. It's the easiest, laziest response to my inherent anomie. Now that I'm writing, maybe I can conquer it. Then I'll have to find another cool word that begins with A for the title of my blog. Nothing can rob me of my precious alliteration. (Except maybe a pun. This blog was dangerously close to being titled "Anomie Mine" or "The Anomie Within" but anomiemine.blogspot was already taken and I decided "The Anomie Within" is too obscure a Star Trek reference.)

So this is it. My big plan. I have a blog. I don't know who will want to read it or even what I'll want to write for it. I am writing though. For now, that's all that matters. I can admit it: I want to be a writer. Maybe one day I will be.